Diferences

I havent updated in a long time.
EVERYTHING has changed since then.
I gained like four pounds bleh
J.Evans is not someone I get excited about
My mother has gone even more crazy than before
I'm giving up sex (I'm not a whore i have a boy)
I dont want to but it makes me really sad.
The only things that haven't changed are Mason and me being not as close. And my grades still suck.

Its getting rediculous with my mom. She cant say anything nice to me. She punishes me for no reason. She treatens to call the cops on me if i stand up for myself even once. She is taking away my life. She is slowly killing me. Think about it. If you got repremanded for everything you do and you dont smoke, drink, disobey, you do your homework and you have a job and you do things around the house for your mom. If everyone of thoes things caused you to be punished like every five minuets of the day, would you even bother? What is the point in doing good when i'm going to get treated like I'm the biggest brat on the planet. Everyone else gets along with me. The counseling is useless because she doesnt use it.
AND THE WORST PART IS she makes me ugly.

as if i didnt feel ugly enough in the looks department. She brings hate into me. She makes me hate everything and i cant help reacting when she yells. I dont want to be ugly. I dont want to fight back. But i dont want to get kicked around like a fucking dog. I dont want to truley hate her. or get into physical fights with her or verbal even. Shes not even worth my time. But i do. and its realy ugly and i already have selfworth and self confidence issues.

J.evans. Was truely amazing. Probably the most wonderful guy i have met on this planet. He's fun, and honest, and sweet, and real. He was never really real to me though. When i say that i dont mean he lied or put on an act. He was just never really HERE. I wanted him to be really bad at times. I was completely infatuated with him. I still cant find anything wrong with him and he kinda hurt me alot. I think he's the reason i dont want sex anymore either. I just start thinking about him and crying and its the fucking wierdest thing on the planet i know but whatever I cant help it. He is slowly and painfuly fading from my memory and my heart. I dont want that but what else can I do? He kind of made me realize how i veiw mason.

My poor sweet mason. Hes so good to me he deserves the best. I treat him so bad for what hes done for me. I dont mean to. I just cant find my self being as attracted as i was to him. and i'm really trying. i really am. I'm trying to find what i used to see in him but i cant and i think i just grew up a little and realized who i was and he didnt fit. and at the moment no one does. I want j evns to but it cant fit with him for now at least.

Oops

FUCK everything. Everything is gay. Everything is upsetting and sad and sucks. I wouldn't mind not existing. I'm not good enought to exist. I think that I should just not eat and that way eventualy I won't exist. I'll look at it as a form of killing. Because I'm gay gay gay. I fucking suck.

Confused.

I know peoples bodies work differently. But you always hear somthing different from everyone. I'm afraid to eat because well, its obvious, but also I'm afraid to not eat because I've heard that fasting and shit like that makes you worse off in the end. I want to do it the most healthy way possible but I DONT KNOW HOW IT WORKS OUT. I only really eat fruit and veggies with occasional meat and bread. I binge sometimes I know thats bad but its been getting better. I work out occasionaly too. I mean I do crunches all the time and lift little weights and do the squat shit. I need to run more though. But I'm so tired of waiting for it. Nothing ever happens. I want to get down twenty pounds by May 1st which is like three months? Its just i get so confused because of all the different things I hear and I want to know does not eating alot really work? I feel so much better after a day or two of not eating but then as soon as i eat somthing i fell like shit. I dont know what to do.

What are you're guys opinions?

INTAKE

Breakfast- Apple, Slice of bread

Lunch-Salad with chicken and 20 cal dressing, 2 crackers, v8

Dinner-fruitcup with apple, four crackers, carrots and humus, 4chips=[, milk

extra- half a spoon of peanut butter (I FUCKING SUCK)

I want so badly to tell him that I might possibly kind of love him. In a way thats true. I really think I do. In a way. I dont know. I just I cant stop thinking about him. All I want is him. You have no clue how I feel when i'm talking to him. Maybe you do. Everything is cloudy and there is one focus. I worry about what to say and how to say it, but at the same time I dont worry at all because i can say whatever I feel like around him. I dont know what I'm going to do. I dont know how much I can take. I neeeeed him right now.

I want

I don't know if anyone thinks this xanga is just for my ED or whatever you want to call it. But really it's not. I keep trying to make it more of a site like that but this has turned into my diary online. Posts will vary. Hahaha.

I want alot of things. No body knows what I want except for me. You could take a guess if you knew me really good but I keep everything to myself.

I want J.Evans. I want him to be here and real all the time, and in a good mood, happy with me all the time. I'd take his company. The extras are a bonus. I want to tell him how I feel and have it not sound freaky. The fact that all I want to do anymore is talk to him. Thats it. It makes me sound obsessed. I might be. I don't think I am but it sounds that way doesn't it? I think about him every second of the day prettymuch. I skip sleep. I get on my phone at parties or at friends houses despite that I'm acctualy doing somthing with my friends. I'm incredibly happy and I feel like conquering the world when I talk to him. I get too upset when he leaves but I mean I understand he has a life and so do I really. Waiting for him to get online, or until he can talk to me again is tortuous. The minuets are just too slow when he's not here. They wait for him to get back before they start to speed up again. Idk it's just how I feel.

I want to focus on what I need to do and not be a failure. I don't want to worry or procrastinate or get sidetracked. I want to want to fullfill expectations. I don't meet anyones expectations including myself.

I want to not worry about what goes into my mouth. I want to be pretty and thin. If I was and I had natrually good eatinghabbits and I was active without planning it really then I wouldn't have to worry about what I eat or not eating or blahblahbalh. Everything really really is better when your not worring about stuffing your face

I want things with me and Mase to be like they were. This conflicts with J.Evans but I was so happy. We were so happy, we were so wonderful. We still are a little bit but things are definately not the same.( I don't want to give up J.Evans)

I want a normal mother. I know that that sounds dumb because mothers are all the same but mine is just. She is crazy. I'm being 110% serious. She freaks out over stupid things. I could clean her house so it sparkled and she would find somthing wrong with me and use that to start a war. She's told me she hates me. I don't like her either. My cousin is a therapist sort of. He tells me that I'm not just being a teenager angry at my mother, that she does have issues. He tells me I'm not as bad as she makes me seem. I can't look at my mother in the same way I did when I was seven.

I want a ciggarette and a blanket and an empty house and sleep.